Gratitude unlocks the fullness of life. It turns what we have into enough, and more… It can turn a meal into a feast, a house into a home, a stranger into a friend.

Why the Season Can Feel Complicated

As November arrives, our social feeds and family conversations fill with reminders to “be grateful.”  Gratitude is powerful — research shows that it can improve sleep, lower stress hormones, and build resilience (https://www.nih.gov/news-events/nih-research-matters/gratitude-linked-better-mental-health).

But gratitude can also feel complicated when life hasn’t gone the way we hoped.

For people facing illness, loss, financial stress, or family conflict, “gratitude season” can stir up guilt and frustration.  It can feel like everyone else is celebrating while you’re simply trying to get through the day.

The Pressure to Feel Thankful

Cultural messages often suggest that thankfulness is a moral duty — that “good people count their blessings.”  While practicing gratitude can be healthy, forcing it can backfire.

Psychologists call this toxic positivity — when we pressure ourselves to appear okay, even when we’re not.  Pretending to be fine shuts down genuine emotion. It can increase loneliness and prevent us from getting the support we need.

True gratitude doesn’t erase pain; it makes room for both appreciation and truth.

How to Practice “Honest Gratitude”

Here are small, practical ways to hold both gratitude and honesty this season:

Start with realism, not perfection.

Instead of writing a list of everything you “should” be thankful for, identify one moment that felt tolerable or peaceful today.  Maybe it was a quiet cup of tea, a phone call, or five minutes of sunlight.

Name what still hurts.

You can acknowledge sadness, anger, or grief and still recognize good moments.  Emotional honesty is what makes gratitude real.

Use writing as reflection, not performance.

Try journaling or voice notes that no one else will see. Let your gratitude be private and unpolished.

Practice self-compassion.

Gratitude isn’t a test. Some days, “I made it through” is enough.  The Self-Compassion Center at the University of Texas has free guided exercises: https://self-compassion.org/category/exercises/

Connect with others who understand nuance.

Support groups, counseling, or safe friendships help balance the pressure of “happy holidays” with the honesty of your own experience.

For Those Coping with Grief or Illness

If you’re managing health challenges or loss, gratitude may feel distant.  That’s okay. Studies show that during periods of grief, simply noticing moments of calm — not forcing positivity — supports long-term healing (https://www.apa.org/news/press/releases/2022/05/gratitude-grief).

It’s also normal to feel conflicted: thankful for the people who remain, yet heartbroken over who or what is missing.  This emotional ambivalence is part of healthy mourning.

A Gentle Reminder

You don’t owe anyone constant cheerfulness.  Gratitude doesn’t require denial — it asks for awareness.  When we allow our emotions to coexist, we make space for healing that is honest, sustainable, and human.

Further Reading and Resources

NIH on gratitude and mental health:

https://www.nih.gov/news-events/nih-research-matters/gratitude-linked-better-mental-health

APA article – Gratitude and grief:

https://www.apa.org/news/press/releases/2022/05/gratitude-grief

Self-Compassion guided exercises:

https://self-compassion.org/category/exercises/

CDC Healthy Holidays resources:

https://www.cdc.gov/mentalhealth/cope-with-stress/healthy-holidays/index.html