We don't have to do all of it alone. We were never meant to.

Making Space for Grief, Stress, and Complicated Feelings

The holidays are supposed to be a happy time.

At least, that's what we're told.

We're surrounded by images of smiling families, beautifully decorated homes, crowded dinner tables, and traditions that seem to bring everyone together.

There is an expectation that we should feel grateful, connected, joyful, and excited.

And sometimes we do.

But sometimes the holidays feel very different.

For some people, there's an empty chair at the table. For others, there's a family relationship that has become difficult, a health concern that has changed familiar traditions, or financial pressure that makes celebrating feel more stressful than joyful.

Sometimes there isn't one particular reason at all.

You simply don't feel the way you think you're supposed to feel.

And that can bring its own kind of guilt.

The reality is that the holidays are emotionally complicated for far more people than we might realize.

In a 2023 survey conducted for the American Psychological Association, 43% of U.S. adults reported that holiday stress interfered with their ability to enjoy the season. Financial concerns, family expectations, and the pressure surrounding holiday traditions were among the challenges identified.

Source: American Psychological Association — Even a Joyous Holiday Season Can Cause Stress

If the holidays feel difficult, you are far from alone.

The holidays don't necessarily create our emotional struggles. Sometimes they simply make them harder to ignore.

Grief can feel more noticeable when familiar traditions remind us of someone who is no longer here.

Loneliness can feel sharper when everyone around us seems to be celebrating together.

Family tensions may become more difficult when we're expected to gather, reconnect, or pretend that everything is fine.

Caregiving responsibilities don't disappear because the calendar says it's a holiday.

Neither do anxiety, depression, chronic illness, financial concerns, or emotional exhaustion.

The American Psychological Association has discussed how holiday traditions can intensify feelings of grief, particularly when someone is experiencing the first holiday season after losing a loved one.

Familiar routines, gatherings, and celebrations can become reminders of how much life has changed.

Source: American Psychological Association — Coping With Grief During the Holidays

For someone already carrying a great deal, the additional expectations of the season can feel overwhelming.

And yet, we often tell ourselves we should be enjoying every minute.

When we think about holiday grief, we often think about missing someone who has died.

And that kind of loss can be especially painful during the holidays.

But grief can take many forms.

You may be missing a relationship that has changed or ended.

You may be grieving a family tradition that no longer exists.

You may be adjusting to children growing older, parents aging, or a household that looks very different from the one you remember.

A health condition may have changed what you're able to do.

Financial circumstances may mean celebrating differently this year.

Or perhaps you're mourning the holidays you always hoped your family would have but never quite experienced.

Mental-health professionals sometimes describe certain experiences as ambiguous loss—a form of grief involving uncertainty or a loss that isn't always clearly recognized.

For example, someone caring for a loved one with dementia may grieve changes in their relationship even though that person is still physically present.

The Family Caregiver Alliance discusses how this kind of loss can create ongoing sadness, uncertainty, and emotional strain, particularly for caregivers.

Source: Family Caregiver Alliance — Caregiving and Ambiguous Loss

Not every difficult life transition is ambiguous loss in the clinical sense, but many changes can involve genuine grief even when no one has died.

Sometimes the holidays remind us not only of the people we've lost, but also of the lives, relationships, and experiences we thought we would have.

These losses aren't always visible to other people.

But that doesn't make them any less meaningful.

One of the more difficult expectations surrounding Thanksgiving is the idea that gratitude should somehow cancel out sadness.

We tell ourselves:

I have so much to be thankful for.

Other people have it worse.

I shouldn't feel this way.

But gratitude isn't a cure for grief.

Being thankful for the people in your life doesn't mean you can't miss someone who is gone.

Appreciating your home doesn't mean financial stress disappears.

Loving your family doesn't mean every family gathering is easy.

Recognizing the good things in your life doesn't mean you're required to ignore the difficult ones.

In her work on ambiguous loss, researcher and family therapist Pauline Boss emphasizes the importance of “both/and” thinking—recognizing that seemingly conflicting feelings can exist together.

Someone can feel sadness about a loved one's illness while also experiencing joy in another part of life.

Someone can feel committed to caregiving while also recognizing their own exhaustion.

This perspective can be especially helpful during the holidays.

You can feel joy and sadness.

You can appreciate a tradition while wishing it were different.

You can be grateful for what you have and still grieve what you've lost.

You don't have to choose one feeling to make the other legitimate.

For some people, the holidays bring connection and comfort.

For others, they bring obligations, difficult conversations, unresolved conflicts, or the pressure to maintain appearances.

Perhaps you're the person who always hosts.

The one who makes sure everyone else is comfortable.

The one who keeps the peace, organizes the gathering, prepares the meal, or tries to make the day special for everyone.

Maybe you enjoy doing those things.

But perhaps you're also exhausted.

This can be especially challenging for family caregivers.

The Family Caregiver Alliance notes that caregivers may experience conflicting emotions around holiday gatherings, particularly when family expectations don't reflect the realities of providing ongoing care.

Its guidance encourages caregivers to communicate their needs, adjust traditions, and establish reasonable boundaries.

Source: Family Caregiver Alliance — Holiday Caregiving

Sometimes the pressure isn't simply to celebrate.

It's to make sure everyone else has a wonderful holiday, regardless of how you're feeling yourself.

And when you're accustomed to being the dependable person, it can be difficult to acknowledge that you have needs too.

You are allowed to enjoy your family and still need a break.

You are allowed to love someone and still need boundaries.

You are allowed to participate in traditions without taking responsibility for everyone else's happiness.

Sometimes the kindest thing we can do for ourselves is let go of the expectation that this year's holidays must look like previous years.

Maybe the gathering needs to be smaller.

Maybe a tradition needs to change.

Maybe you don't have the energy to host.

Maybe you need to spend part of the day alone.

Maybe you want to remember someone who's missing rather than avoid mentioning their name.

Or maybe you simply need to acknowledge that this year is difficult.

There is no single correct way to experience the holidays.

It can help to ask yourself a few questions:

• What matters most to me about this holiday? Is it connection, tradition, remembrance, rest, or simply spending time with people I care about?
• What expectations am I carrying that may no longer be realistic? Am I trying to recreate a holiday that belonged to a different chapter of my life?
• What could I change without losing what matters? Could a smaller gathering, shared responsibilities, or a different tradition make the season more manageable?
• What do I need emotionally? More connection? More rest? Permission to grieve? Someone to talk to?

These questions aren't about finding the perfect holiday.

They're about creating one that better reflects your life as it is today.

Sometimes we become so focused on how we should feel that we stop paying attention to how we actually feel.

We push sadness aside.

We minimize stress.

We tell ourselves to be grateful, be cheerful, keep going, and make the best of things.

But emotional well-being isn't about forcing ourselves to feel something we don't.

It's about allowing ourselves to recognize what we're experiencing with honesty and compassion.

That might mean talking with someone you trust.

It might mean setting a boundary, asking for help, adjusting expectations, or creating a new tradition.

And sometimes it means having a supportive space to work through grief, anxiety, family relationships, or life changes that become more noticeable during the holidays.

Therapy can provide an opportunity to explore those feelings, recognize patterns, develop coping strategies, and approach difficult experiences with greater understanding.

You don't have to wait until the season is over to acknowledge that something feels difficult.

As we move into the holiday season, perhaps we can offer ourselves something different from the usual expectations.

Not the pressure to be happy.

Not the obligation to make everything perfect.

Not the belief that gratitude means ignoring what hurts.

But permission to experience the season as we are.

To appreciate the moments that feel good.

To acknowledge the moments that feel difficult.

To remember the people and traditions we miss.

To create space for connection, rest, and understanding.

And to recognize that sometimes simply making it through a complicated season with a little more kindness toward ourselves is meaningful enough.

You can be grateful for what you have and still struggle with what you're carrying.

Both can be true.

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